Thursday, 8 December 2016

Grit Curtis

Grit Curtis is a character I have had in mind and written for, but not performed for many years. 



Grit Curtis is many things - radio dj., financial advisor, blogger, singer, stage hypnotist, lover, truck driver, friend of the late great Barry White, philosopher and author, pet bereavement therapist and  author of such books as
 "Coping with Pet Loss” , "Let’s Pretend We are on Prozac"and "Is a Bonsai Tree a Cripple?" and  other things 



He may make himself appear through: personal appearances, mini films, radio broadcasts, internet virals, unsolicited answering machine messages, and perhaps most peculiarly, on video-entryphones.  As Grit puts it - a cross between  ‘knock-down ginger’ and a fortune cookie.

Grit’s wisdom is questionable, but his drive to unload it on the world is indefatigable.  Grit has embraced the internet as the perfect medium with his message:  

Head into the New Age-
The Age of the Good Charlatan

Grit is likeably repulsive, knowingly na├»ve.  He is indisputably questionable in his taste in clothes. He could be schizophrenic. He could be a chameleon. Sometimes wise, sometimes dumb, he can be anything he wants to be, but he is, and always will be, American.  



“The only thing we can be sure about Grit ,” says director Martin Jones “is that he means well.” 


Some Grit Scripts



1. (Camera on a video entry phone. The buzzer sounds, the picture appears)
Hello, this is Grit Curtis
Healer
Therapist
Philosopher
Motivator
Confidant
Security advisor.
Accountant
Investment manager
Real estate
Wills 
Salvage
Pet bereavement counselling
But I am not, repeat NOT a salesman
Are u OK sir? Just doin’ the rounds.
(flat owner looks out of the window. There is no one outside his door, the street is empty).




2.(Walking nonchalantly between two lines of men’s urinals. Eg Gent’s loos at Barbican Centre)
Have you noticed how everyone’s really big on sincerity right now?
WELL I’M REALLY Really 
No no no I mean really really BIG ON SINCERITY 
Do you wanna marry me??




3. (In a Japanese tea room, Grit sits cross legged, meditating, sipping tea. Turns to camera, raises hand as if to take an oath)
  I will only steal from you that which you do not need.
(His hand reaches past the camera to grab a slice of juicy tomato)
Oh I’m sorry was that your tomato?



4. (In a policeman’s uniform he arrests someone then turns to the camera, smiles and says) May I be your secret husband?




5. (On a children’s’ slot machine rocking horse. A slow bluesy song) *an audio only version of this pearl exists on the grit radio show cd
There are many ways to live
There are many ways to die
There are many ways to row your boat
There are many ways to lie

There are many ways to San Jose
There are many ways to fall
There are many ways to get up again
There are many ways to crawl

Crawling, sprawling creeping up
Brawling trawling keeping up
with the moaning Joneses
from dawn to elevenses
this emphasis on shallowness
will undergo metamorphosis
via photosynthesis.
Bursting out of primordial mud
with shoots leaves and buds
this way, that way,
any which way
for many days

Yes, there are many ways to live 
there are many ways to die
there are many ways to cook eggs
there are many ways to tell you 
how much I love you.




6.(In front of some out-of-control lift doors, opening and closing erratically OR in slow motion as crowds of office workers roll over London Bridge)
Depressed? 
Is every day the same?
Does nothing ever change?
It will when you
Read my latest booklet 
LET’S PRETEND WE ARE HAVING A NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE
I am having a near death experience right now
I am living as though each heartbeat might be my last.
My imagination is strong and my focus is so strong. 
Right now 
Many people’s lives have been irrevocably changed by near death experiences. 
My life is changing
Right now, as I speak.
Yours can too if you read
LET’S PRETEND WE ARE HAVING A NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE
The latest in the  ‘Let’s Pretend with Grit’ series,
Only 4.99. 
No side effects. 
It worked for me




7. A CUP WILL NOT DO WHAT A KNIFE DOES 
(with a background of bubbling frothing water) 

* an audio version exists on Pearls of Grit audio CD attached to this application. A DVD version also exists, but we want to shoot this again.

 Hello!
If we say this cup is useless 
because it will not cut a loaf of bread in half,
and throw it away, 
into what will we pour our coffee? 

If we say this knife is useless, 
because when I pour hot water onto it, it spills all over, 
and throw it away, 
with what will I cut my bread?
Let’s judge our utensils by what they can do.







9.( As voiceover, slowly spoken in pairs of words, across a stream of very romantic images- cornfields, blowing, sunsets, running water, birds soaring)
If you   let me   kiss you    on my lips
would you   kiss my back?
I’ve shaved

10. INVISIBLE   FORCEFIELDS

You know there are invisible forcefields around the places we inhabit. 
These forcefields can be created by the actions and thoughts of others
(pause)
 OR YOURSELF!

Think about it you can choose whether to be positive or paranoid


11. GRIT had a dream last night:
'I was at an Observatory looking through the 76” refracting telescope at some weird pulsing lights near Alpha Centauri when I felt someone tapping on my shoulder,  
‘Hey Grit’ I heard, I turned round and there was Venus and Serena towering over me, ‘Fail to plan’ said Venus, ‘Plan to fail’ said Serena, they both giggled, ‘Hey Cool watch’, they both said  looking at my Rolex and then they just disappeared. 
I was alone 
just me and the night sky and those weird pulsing lights near Alpha centauri'



GRIT does
SIX INTERVIEWS
You know everyone’s looking for answers, 
I’m no different
They say you’ve gotta to know the right question, well I don’t know what that question is:
In my new series of six interviews I intend to find it. 


1. GRIT LEARNS FROM BARRY WHITE


2. COOKERY PROGRAM
Surround that fish with an orb of golden light…
Then gut it

3. GRIT DRIVES TRUCK ACROSS  CHINA
With an  unknown cargo  accompanied by a film crew of two, Grit rediscovers the Silk Road

4. GRIT’S TUNES
Grit  joins a gospel choir

5. GRIT ON FRIENDS

6. GRIT GOES TO MIDDLESBOROUGH








No comments:

Post a Comment