Sense and Nonsense, clarity and coherence

Sometimes I post incoherent halfthoughts to this blog- I just looked at what I wrote about head/ heart : it’s a complicated thing i want to say and what I wrote seems glib, vague. Maybe writing on phone is slow and I find it difficult to think clearly and maintain a big picture. I want to articulate my thoughts clearly and  and sometimes let my desire to put them out there outweigh the clarity of the content- if I don’t think it’s good then why post it? If it’s not clear why bother saying it? Often incoherence needs blurting out! If what is accepted sense but actually nonsense, needs saying. It is why nonsense comedy - Milligan Lear Python Carroll are so important- pointing out the  nonsense of accepted ways. But even though its in the right direction,  and I makes me laugh at the ridiculousness of things, its unsatisfying,i ts only half the battle. Later it’s complexity can be picked apart, made coherent.

miniature imaginings

If my desire is to become a powerless performer whose judgement and intelligence is not taken seriously I have already part written the script. Maybe I have been a successful scriptwriter, maybe I’ve failed and been th architect of my own fall from grace. So what?
Echoes of that film I saw about a film director building a city that was the contents of his imagination and falling apart as others wouldn't buy his vision-  and a Belgian theatre piece I saw many years ago, about an imaginary model world in miniature created by a man who could have been a Dickhead Dictator Director, but chose not to build a hierarchy  and bark orders, so he made a miniature version of what he obsessively saw in his head that delighted many and upset no-one. All I wanted was to build a playpen, to set up situations for play and invention to happen but people objected to my rules for play and saw that as oppressive. I found the the power play boring and dismissed it as irrelevant. I shouldn’t have. It has disempowered me and I have retreated from the world, and the politics of power, particularly gender politics is the zeitgeist, the issue of the age.If my desire is to become a powerless performer whose judgement and intelligence is not taken seriously I have already part written the script. Maybe I have been a successful scriptwriter, maybe I’ve failed and been th architect of my own fall from grace. So what?
Echoes of that film I saw about a film director building a city that was the contents of his imagination and falling apart as others wouldn't buy his vision-  and a Belgian theatre piece I saw many years ago, about an imaginary model world in miniature created by a man who could have been a Dickhead Dictator Director, but chose not to build a hierarchy  and bark orders, so he made a miniature version of what he obsessively saw in his head that delighted many and upset no-one. All I wanted was to build a playpen, to set up situations for play and invention to happen but people objected to my rules for play and saw that as oppressive. I found the the power play boring and dismissed it as irrelevant. I shouldn’t have. It has disempowered me and I have retreated from the world, and the politics of power, particularly gender politics is the zeitgeist, the issue of the age.

quiet heart and calm head

However I am feeling, wherever it moves me, it doesn’t change the logic of a potential action. If it’s a good idea rationally, it’s a good idea  whether I’m depressed or high. But
 the fact remains that up til now, I have let feelings dominate my motivation- if I am not feeling it, even if its a sound idea, I won't do it. Is that a bad thing? Dunno. It’s easy to dismiss it superficially as head against heart, and head loses (despite it’s constant  activity and the way that chattering thought dominates my moment to moment consciousness). Despite head’s egotistical denial that heart is its ruler. But maybe I mistake heart (deep, long term) for feeling( passing superficial), and passing thoughts (chattering constant restless) for rational considered strategic  planning. But heart tends to guide head and however much head tries to deny it. ( is this why so many somatic and spiritual paths are so anti-head, deeming it the seat of ego and intellectual chatter). Head is a tool wielded by heart. Look at how protective people are of their home or family.

When quiet heart and calm head act together the action they make is powerful, immovable

Wilful forgetting becomes habitual forgetting.

Everyday I work things out afresh, riding roughshod over what I’ve ‘decided’ the previous day, which I convert into an onerous todo list. And then, when I look at list to see what I should do, I lose the reason to do the action on the list. But the obligation remains, weighing heavy on me as a meaningless chore that must be done, so I leap on the freedom and freshness of the thing I’ve just worked out and forget the list and wander further away from coherence. I do this everyday! Bluddyhell!
It’s always ‘feel good today  and defer obligations for tomorrow when I can forget them or avoid them when new optimistic things come along
So wilful forgetting becomes habitual forgetting.

Stillness, Shouldness and Creayshun

 It’s easy to mistake stillness for negativity. Some feel emptiness is boring and needs to be filled with action but very often what, at first seems to be empty is, if paid attention to, listened to, full of tiny movement, little sounds; be still and let the action emerge ...

‘that’s all very well, but it ain’t gonna pay the rent or feed my family, is it?’ 

but but...I...I...I have no answer to that position but.. er... I am assuming you to be in a situation where you have the luxury of being able to function beyond covering the basics. I know I know, I find that difficult, I should be different. But I kind of agree .. For me, when I am looking at emptiness I am looking at a depressing void, and what will stop me being sucked into that void is action.  Whether it’s an idea, a distraction, a child or dog, a real life drama- a problem to solve, someone to help- something outside the void. I wouldn’t make a very good monk. I should like solitude but it makes me feel alone. I can't stand the stillness without hearing the shouldness. 
But maybe that shouldness is a wonderful thing, the place from where imagination emerges, the birth, the mirth of all creashun. Bluddy hell, fill that silence what you cookin, for dinner?

Difference between Doubt and Undermining

I just had a minor setback. kept me awake. I should be able to shrug it off and move to next step. 
Early morning mind whirs ...There has to be a difference between DOUBT and UNDERMINING-let's draw the line: Doubt questions but strengthens, UNDERMINING judges and weakens. DOUBT asks 'Am I doing something wrong? How could I do better?, UNDERMINING says' You ARE doing something wrong! stop it! Stop kidding yourself! give up! do something else!
DOUBTING is present. Its a whole process that concludes with a 'so if that's so, what now ...', UNDERMINING is past. It says 'you've made a mistake. Admit it! Give up!'
The past is dangerous territory. The present is always fertile.
UNDERMINING is negative. its stagnant. It stops you doing anything
DOUBTING can be positive, it can happen while you are moving
Right .. get up get out. must get going, its my 60th birthday soon! Lovel